Youngblood is hard at work reading new plays. About a half dozen plays in a batch We had batch one last week and found some goof stuff. Batch two is this week. Mike Cotey’s got a batch three going, and I’ll have a batch four after that.
I’m currently working on a play and yesterday I hit a bit of writers block. In an effort to unblock, I wrote this. I think it’s cute, I don’t know. It might suck so if it does, totally skip it. (I’m so good at marketing myself, aren’t I?)
September 16, 2010
I have just moved to Milwaukee and within a three hours of unloading my furniture, books, a kitchenware in my one bedroom apartment, I have received a parking ticket. Three hours. The citation tells me a parking officer has “chalked” my 1997 Honda accord at 11:15 AM and the marking was still visible after 1:30 PM. There is a two hour parking limit on the street which I chose to park. I may mail this citation off with a check for $25 or I may pay online for a $3 fee. I chose to write a check as a stamp costs significantly less than $3.
The welcome wagon Milwaukee chose to give me, a blue and white jeep with a scepter of chalk, has left me feeling perplexed and fascinated. Who are these creatures? What are their habits? Their behavior patterns? How many on a given day? How many at night? I have decided to make an endeavor to find out.
September 17, 2010
After going online and looking at the official rules for Parking in the City of Milwaukee, I see I have a lot to learn. The basics are this: one must obtain a day parking pass and a night parking pass. The day only applies to the the block one lives in and the night may apply to most if not all of the city. I fear there are loopholes to how the night parking pass works. Surely one can not park anywhere in the city. Incidentally, I have received another parking citation for parking at night. I order the night parking pass online and I pay off my second ticket while I am at the website. Convenience, it seems, has won this round.
I am told by the barista whom I order my coffee from that winter parking has a different set of rules and they get complicated. If more than four inches of snowfall accumulates, I may not park in designated areas. Furthermore, if the city declares a snow emergency, arterial roads in the city will be closed off but, according to the barista, the two situations can be mutually exclusive. I want to talk further but she thanks me and sends me on my way, coffee in hand.
September 19, 2010
It appears I will be in for a long winter. The street where I find myself parking has the restrictions for both snow emergencies and four inches of snow. I will cross this bridge when I come to it.
On a different front, I have made the conscious decision to not get a daytime parking pass. Reason one: I want to study how this parking system works. I want to figure out how to beat this system that has already gotten fifty-three dollars out of me. I want to know the tricks the little blue and white jeeps use to extort money and I want to publish my results so the good people of Milwaukee can perhaps feel a little bit more comfortable parking when they go to the local bookshops and restaurants in the city. I want to do my part.
Reason two: I seem to have misplaced my lease, which is the document needed to obtain the daytime parking pass.
October 14, 2010
After two more parking tickets, both paid for by check and stamp, and three weeks of monitoring and stakeouts, I am excited to say that I have results to report. It seems that, at least in my case, the little blue and white jeep only comes by once a day. The hours are usually, but not limited to, 11:00 AM to 2:00 PM. Occasionally, they will leave their chalk mark of shame after 3:00 PM but this is a very rare occurrence. And never once have I observed them after 3:30 PM. My street has signage that there is two hour parking from the hours of 7:00 AM to 7:00 PM. However if one parks Before 7 or after 3:30, one will not get a ticket if parked for more than two hours. You’re Welcome.
October 17, 2010
I just got a parking ticket. Fucking assholes.
October 26, 2010
From the time one is chalked to the time one is ticketed, there is at least a fifteen minute to one hour gap between the alloted two hour period and time and the little blue and white jeep returning to reap what they have sown. Therefore, if, hypothetically, one parks in a two hour parking spot at 12:15 PM and finds themselves finishing a chapter of their book at 2:15 PM, they, in fact have hypothetically have at most, fifteen minutes to put down their book to move their car.
Also, if a blue and white jeep sees one simply wipe the chalk off one’s car, much anger and a hefty fine which I do not care to reveal is forthcoming. Duly noted.
November 1 2010
Parking tickets contain a space where the little blue and white jeep can leave comments. The comments usually say, “Chalk Mark Still Visible” or “Expired Meter” My latest parking ticket simply says, “Your Ass Is Mine.” This seems highly unprofessional.
November 9, 2010
I have devised a method for avoiding tickets for my street. At 11:00 AM it will go outside to check the rear wheel of my car. If there is a chalk mark, I will move my car. If there is no chalk mark, I will not. I will then check again at 1:00 PM and again at 3:00 PM. I can also check other cars around my 1997 Honda Accord for chalk marks and If I find them I may move my own vehicle without checking. Constant vigilant attention is necessary. I really should be putting this much effort in finding a job.
November 20, 2010
After watching the little blue and white jeep for some time now, I begin to wonder if the whole parking ticket system is really working for the city. If you look at it as a business, does the money brought in by parking tickets really warrant the wages of the drivers, the price of the small army of little white jeeps, the gas that must go into a day’s work, the cost of the system and the overhead of maintaining a department devoted to accepting or rejecting appeals of the parking tickets given out. Then I remember that I alone have given out $539 towards parking tickets in a little over two months. Then I get angry.
December 3, 2010
A little blue and white jeep has placed a chalk mark on the side of my tire as opposed to the surface that makes contact with the road. I may not wipe it off and simply driving will not remove the chalk mark. I really do not know what to do. I feel helpless and small.
December 14, 2010
The first heavy snowfall has occurred in the city of Milwaukee. Seven inches have fallen since 2:00 AM. People cannot move their cars in the icy sludge and the little blue and white jeeps are plugging away chalking up cars on my street. There is no God.
December 15, 2010
I have received a parking ticket for parking over twelve inches away from the curb even though there is a block of snow/ice impacted on the curb preventing me from parking any further. There is nothing I can do to park closer. And I still got a ticket. The rules I have outlined in my previous posts have become null and void. Why did I move here? What business do I have living here? Why do I own a car? I could just take the bus from now on. Sell my car. Buy a bus pass. It would make more sense. I was at a coffee shop this morning and I watched a little blue and white jeep drive drive by. The driver was grinning. Literally grinning. Like he was simply loving his job. Wrecking the days of dozens of people. I have never understood why the people who have lived in Milwaukee for years curse the existence of the little blue and white jeeps. Now I get it. I also get the movie Sparticus.
December 21, 2010
I met someone at a bar who works for the Milwaukee Transit Department. He tells me that if you are at your vehicle when a little blue and white jeep pulls up to give you a citation, you can take the ticket by hand and ask that they void the ticket and they have a legal obligation to accept. But here’s the thing. They will tell you that they can’t because it is already in the system but they are lying to you because it is apparently a hassle to void the ticket. You can then contest the ticket and tell the guy behind the desk that the ticket was never legitimately placed on your car and he will have no recourse but to cancel the infraction. I do not know how this is enforced and how the city curtails abuse but I will personally investigate it further and report back to you good people on if this would work.
I am also told that during a snow emergency, one may park in the playground of a nearby elementary school overnight, however one must move the exiled vehicle before 7:00 AM or severe financial repercussions will apply. Also, the playgrounds are not plowed. This seems more trouble than it is worth.
December 24, 2010
I got a parking ticket. Merry Fucking Christmas.
January 1, 2011
I got a parking ticket. Happy Fucking New Year.
January 7 2011
I have received yet another parking ticket. This one seems illegitimate. I have been at work from 4:30 PM to 11:00 PM. At 6:00 PM and snow emergency was called for the city of Milwaukee. All vehicles must be removed from the arterial roads by 9:00 PM or they will be ticketed and towed by morning. There is no way I would know to move my car as I have been at work. This is very perplexing. But what is even more perplexing is that no snow has actually fallen in the city of Milwaukee. Not one flake. Since the weather would hypothetically drop ten inches of snow, an emergency was called. But though no snow actually accumulated, the orange and white tickets still dot all the cars on the street. The pavement is still a salty dry. The plays of Arthur Adamov and Eugene Ionesco make much more sense.
January 9, 2011
I was driving down Farwell Avenue and and as I was passing Von Trier going the speed limit, a little blue and white jeep pulls up beside me. We drive side by side for a while. A window is rolled down and a ticket is placed on my windshield. The little blue and white jeep then peels away. Words cannot describe.
January 16, 2011
A blizzard has descended on the City of Milwaukee. Snow emergency is in effect. Cars are buried to the windshield with snow. No one can move their cars. On every street, a team of people are helping out their fellow man with snow shovels, rock salt, even kitty litter. There are little blue and white jeeps everywhere but no chalk marks. They seem to be looking for people in the middle of the street, or blocking alleyways or something. This is the first time I have ever seen the little blue and white jeeps show an act of mercy. That, coupled with the sight of dozens of people helping each other dig their car out of the snow, shovel sidewalks of the elderly, dig out doors and street corners… all laughing at the night they had and how no one really can get to work today… It really is a sight to see. I am beginning to see why people actually live here. Actually want to live here. Actually love living here. Apparently, it’s worth it.
January 20, 2011
The sense of community is now gone. Early this morning, in order to clean out the arterial roads, parking has been temporarily suspended. A single sign has been posted on my block this morning letting people know. At around noon today, a minivan has parked in front of it. I should take the time right now to point out another mentality in the city of Milwaukee. “If that guy can park there, then I guess I can too.” This gets a lot of people in a lot of trouble. Since that one minivan has parked in front of the sign that lets people know they can not park there, thereby blocking the sign, the street is lined with cars. The time is now 1:10 AM. Everybody now has a parking ticket on both sides of the street. If it wasn’t for my constant parking vigil, God help me, I would be one of them.
UPDATE:
The tow trucks are out. This is intense. They are all being towed. Everyone of them. There will soon not be a car left. The tow trucks are all working in harmony. These tow trucks can hold three vehicles at a time. Every truck is taking every third vehicle on the street. It reminds me of a ballet. A horrible, draconian ballet.
UPDATE:
It is now eight in the morning. There are a lot of sad angry people on the street right now wondering where their car is right now. Heartbreaking. Simply Heartbreaking.
February 1, 2011
I have purchased a large iron crowbar and I keep it in my car at all times. This is not ward off muggers or for self defense. It is to make sure I can get out of a large ring of impacted snow that has formed into ice. If one parks on less than an inch of ice, One will be stuck for a very long time accumulating tickets and an eventual towing. If I find myself stuck on the side of the road and a snow shovel is obsolete due to ice, I must retrieve my crow bar and slowly chip away at the ice surrounding the front and back tires creating a rudimentary pathway that so that I can rock the car back and forth until the inertia pushes me free. This process can take anywhere from seven minutes to a full hour and fifteen minutes. During this time, I must resist the urge to put the crowbar through my windshield.
February 5, 2011
The rear wheels of my 1997 Honda Accord are caked with snow and ice. I cannot see the rubber on my tire. I can, however, see the yellow chalk mark and corresponding parking ticket. I did not think chalk could write on snow.
February 13, 2011
Another snow storm has hit the city of Milwaukee. It seems the citizens of this city are now just fed up with snow in all of its horrible forms. Phrases like, “I’m so sick of this snow!”, “Why do we even live here?”, and “Helter Skelter!” are heard on the street.
It seems that all everyone really needs is a break. Not just from winter and snow, but from the little blue and white jeeps. They are always there in masses like hyenas in Africa looking for the gazelle that is my Honda Accord to be at the wrong place in the wrong time. I find I can drive for a day running errands only to find a parking ticket caked to ice on the side of my car dated two days earlier. My confidence in my work figuring out the behavior patterns of the little blue and white jeeps is shattered. What once began as a certain fascination has become an outright loathing. How I hate them. I hate them so.
February 20, 2011
The temperature outside is now negative six degrees Fahrenheit. My car will not start. And there are little blue and white jeeps watching… waiting. So is my crowbar.
February 21, 2011
I have just been released from the Milwaukee County Jail after posting bail. An incident occurred the other day which I care not to go into detail. All I would like to say is that my court date is scheduled for March 2, 2011 and it does not look good. I wish I had not purchased the crowbar. And I wish I would have gotten the chance to sincerely apologize to the man driving the little blue and white jeep. My only encounter with him after the incident left me quoting a line from the Paul Newman movie, Cool Hand Luke. “Nah. Callin’ it your job don’t make it right, boss.”
During my time at the Milwaukee County Jail, I learned that one can use an energy bill to purchase a day time parking pass. Fool on my, I guess. I suppose I’ll be doing this tomorrow.
